As a pastor I like to see Christians with happy faces. I believe that Christians should be the happiest
people in the world because we have so much to look forward to. Therefore I use this page to bring a little happiness
in any way I can. See the Newsletter Pastor's Page for the more serious side. Here you will find humor and various
unusual information. ENJOY!
P.S.--- Watch this site closely as I will change it as the urge
hits me instead of just once a month!!
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10/01
NOAH - 2008
It is the year
2008, and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and
cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build and Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said
the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord
saw Noah sittig in his front yeard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering
firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system
and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in
my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed
the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The
carpenter's formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed,
the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in prepartion to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind
of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft! Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and
therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
AMEN
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"SOAP & WATER"
A minister was asked to dinner by a member of the congregation
who he knew was a terrible housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest
that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess,
running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could
get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway
and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside
and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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"BITS AND PIECES"
<><> Church members are either pillars or catepillars. The pillars
hold up the church; the catepillars just crawl in and out.
<><> Coming out of the church, Mrs. Hawkins asked her husband, "Do
you think that Johnson girl is pregnant?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Hawkins.
"And that dress Mrs. Jones was wearing," continued Mrs.
Hawkins, "Really don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two! It was above her knees!"
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Hawkins.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Hawkins. "A
lot of good it does for you to go to church."
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